Always The Fool

Many moons ago, when I was a mere lass in the 7th and 8th grade (we don't need to talk about what the year was) I had a friend named Lisa. I had known Lisa for a couple of years and she was one of a few people that spoke to me kindly in middle school. We did a science project together one year. We made a volcano. Neither one of us were very artistic or creative. We didn't win. That's not what this story is about though.

This is about when I first started to realize that she was lying to me. This was the first time someone took the secrets I had told them and then told other girls those very personal things. This was one of the hardest times of my youth. My instincts were right about her all along, but my desperation for a friend outweighed the lies that were told to my face.

It all ended on the very last day of 8th grade. As I was heading toward my final bus ride home before beginning high school the next year Lisa and her small group of friends approached me and handed me a note. "Read it on the bus! I cannot wait for this summer, right girls?" They nodded and smiled at me. I felt loved. I really had friends, and I couldn't wait for the bus to get going to read my note. I excitedly climbed onto the bus, found a seat, and waved at Lisa and the girls with a giant smile on my face. They were smiling too, but for very different reasons.

As the bus rolled out of the school parking long that day in June, I leaned my head against the cool window and slowly unfolded the note, dreaming up all of the fun things we were going to do over the summer together. I don't recall the exact verbiage anymore, and that's probably a good thing, but it was a friendship break up letter. It was written in Lisa's bubbly handwriting with colored markers and signed by all of the girls. In tiny letters (I actually thought the page was just marked up), they called me a stupid fat bitch and that they had never been friends with me.

I ended 8th grade and started high school with no friends. I wouldn't wish that on anyone. Even now. Because even after all these years, it still hurts a little and that hurt annoys me more than anything. This wasn't the start of me being bullied as a kid, but this is the first time I let it really get to me. I haven't talked to Lisa since that day even though we spent four years in high school together. My only hope for her now is that she grew out of that phase of her life and that she treats people with respect.

Always The Fool
ⓒ Kay Marie

Fingers tapping on the linoleum counter.
One, two, three. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.
Her eyes darted to the door and then back at me.
She was waiting to see which lie I would believe.

She opened her mouth, words crackled, garbled
as if she placed her excuses into the blender.
Broken down, molded into a mess.
Without warning, silence and clarity.
Her silvery charm danced across her tongue.
The sun that once shined into the kitchen faded into night.

A fight is brewing.
She speaks to me, but her body tells a different story.
Her poker face is starting to crumble,
and in a fraction of a moment she second guessed herself.
I have caught her, but I don't say a word.
Her friendship was more important than the lies spilling from her soul.

I could see both sides of her now.
The silent sister and the raging storm.
No matter which one I chose back then,
I would always be the fool.